She likes you.
You see, Melanie...
... she's every bit as pretty.
You've been very nice.
Now you can have what you want.
Hey, you!
Birdboy!
Mrs. Angelucci said them feathers can give you asthma.
I've got a great idea.
Let's enlist.
Kids got to play, honey.
Go tell that to your son.
Birdy!
Are you all right?
Switch shifts on Thursday?
How come they didn't change the bandages?
No, ma'am. He's unavailable right now.
Can I have him call you?
That's Doctor Moore.
How long do I wear these things?
We'll take them off when you get back from seeing your friend.
Then I'll see if you got everything back in the right place.
Should be okay, give or take an ear or two.
I think the graft is going to be just fine, Al.
After a while it'll start itching, but you can't scratch it.
This ought to hold you.
How do you feel?
Like the Invisible Man.
Come see me when you get back, okay?
Sure thing.
Don't worry.
Don't stare, honey. It's rude.
Shit, Birdy.
The things you put me through.
They always said you were weird. Even my kid brother.
Do you remember the time with the knife?
Jesus Christ! These damn kids!
Way to go! Now we'll never get it back. The lady's a witch.
Stay out of my yard!
You hear?
We don't have another ball. How else we going to play?
By not hitting it here. Go somewhere else and play.
This ain't no ballpark. This is my yard.
Why don't you do something about it?
Kids got to play, honey.
You tell that to your own boy.
I don't want to.
Come on, why not?
I just don't feel like it.
Sure you feel like it.
Well, if I let you...
...can I wear your letter jacket?
Yes.
Hey, Al.
- AI! - What?
He's down the street. The weird kid.
Later, Mario. Get lost.
Come on, you promised.
Hey, birdboy!
What's your name?
This is like talking to the air.
Got a knife I can borrow, kid? Got a splinter.
This it, Mario?
Yeah, that's my knife.
You thief! My brother says it's his.
Back off! Don't mess with me!
Don't mess with my brother!
He's a wrestling champion!
Now you're in trouble! This really better be your knife.
It is. Ziegenfuss stole it from me.
I thought you said he stole it!
No! I just said he had it.
Jesus, Mario.
I bought it from Ziegenfuss. But if he stole it, you can have it.
Don't touch it.
- It's mine. - We'll get you another.
Here.
Thanks.
Where'd you learn all that stuff? You wrestle or something?
No.
You should.
You like pigeons?
What's to like?
They fly.
They fly. So what?
That's enough.
Come on, Al. Are we going, or what?
I'm training these to be carrier pigeons.
You mean with the notes, like in a war?
I got a class. I've got to go.
So go.
Up yours!
Pretty ugly birds.
You know, if he really can train them to carry notes, I'd buy one.
- You would? - Sure. A lot of kids would.
Wait a minute!
How about if I help you catch some?
It's funny how they do that.
If it hadn't happened every five minutes for the last 50 years...
Dumb.
They always come back to the same place.
See?
Same exact spot every time, and just carry on with their business.
- Come on. - Where you going?
Higher.
- We got to get up to talk to them. - Are you kidding?
Are we allowed up here?
Looks awful high to me.
Fuck you!
It worked!
Birdy, where are you?
Very funny. Now where the fuck are you?
Come the hell out. I know you're in here, birdbrain.
What's that?
A pigeon suit I'm making for you.
This way, they'll think you're one of them.
I don't want them to think I'm one of them.
Come on, just try it.
No way would I be caught dead in that.
I feel ridiculous.
You look terrific.
Come on.
It's over here.
I want to go change. I look stupid!
Not to a bird, Al.
That's some view.
Can you see the Tower Theatre?
That must be City Hall over there.
Stars, Al.
Look at the stars.
What stars?
We should come back to just look at them.
What are you doing? For chrissakes, get down!
Hold my legs, will you, Al?
You'll like this one, Al.
She looks like your dad.
I got to get a little lower.
Let me down a bit more.
Jesus, Birdy!
Give me a bag.
Fuck!
No! Birdy!
Hold on, I'll get help.
I can't hold on that long.
What's so funny?
You.
You look so serious.
It is fucking serious!
Shit!
Look, this isn't going to work.
I'll try to make it to the sand pile.
- What are you talking about? - It's easy.
You'll jump?
No, Al, I'm going to fly.
Don't jump!
Let go!
Birdy, are you all right?
I flew, Al.
Sure, you flew.
It was beautiful.
It was like...
You look awful pale, Birdy.
Should I go get somebody?
You might have busted something inside.
You'll break your crazy neck one of these days.
God, Birdy! Don't do anything like that again.
What do you think, sergeant?
Sir?
Your friend.
How does he look to you?
It's hard to say. I'm not sure I understand your question.
It's a simple question.
How does your friend look?
Are you his doctor?
Why are you asking me?
Obviously, because I want to hear what you have to say.
He doesn't look good. Does he just sit there like that?
For the most part.
Was he wounded?
Yes, but his wounds were relatively minor.
This is not a physiological condition.
Then how'd he get like this?
All we know is that he was missing in action for a month.
For a while, we didn't even know who he was.
Does he know who he is?
I don't know.
He hasn't talked since he was found.
So you really don't know anything.
I think I know a few things, sergeant.
It was my idea to bring you here.
Why am I here?
The patient's mother thought you might be...
...well, of some help.
Frankly, I'm willing to try anything.
- And I'm it? - For now.
When I found out about your condition...
It seems like it might be an interesting therapy.
For him or for me?
I hope for both of you.
Come with me. There's something I want you to see.
No, tuna salad, not chicken salad.
Lots of mayonnaise and none of those little celery chunks.
Two of them.
Do you want anything?
Coffee?
Two coffees, cream and sugar.
Okay, yeah, that's it.
Strange, huh?
Jumping and twisting, like he was trying to escape.
You sure can't blame him for that.
No one is, sergeant.
He wouldn't like being cooped up here.
What do you suppose impels him into these strange positions?
Like what?
Like this...
...cringing position.
Was there any psychological trouble before he was in the military?
How close were you?
We was real good buddies. Pretty close.
Very close?
We weren't queer for one another or anything like that.
We were normal, crazy Philly kids.
How crazy?
You ever been to Philly, sir?
You have to be pretty crazy to live there.
I don't understand yet what's brought him to this.
You got any ideas?
He got drafted.
All wars have their casualties, sergeant...
...and the Army takes care of their own.
Certainly took care of me, doctor.
Major, sergeant.
Major, sir.
I know that this is difficult for you at this time.
And I know it's hard for you to come here like this.
How does your face feel?
It's okay.
No problems?
The bandages are a little hard to get used to, sir.
When the doctor... The major...
...said one of the things they had to do was give me a steel jaw...
...I thought, "Great! A steel jaw!
Maybe I'll be the next La Motta."
Turns out, a punch could knock the pins into my brain...
...so it's worse than a glass jaw.
It's pretty funny, huh?
A lot of people wouldn't think so. Aren't you concerned?
Sure, kind of.
You know what would be a good idea, Alfonso?
- AI. - It might be helpful...
...if you visited your friend now.
It's important that I make some progress soon.
Ronsky? Send Renaldi in here.
You'll like Renaldi, Alfonso. He's Italian too.
What's going on here?
Occupational therapy. Some genius at Boeing thought it up.
Who better to sort out the nuts than nuts, right?
- What do you do here? - Pretty much everything.
Mostly I help take care of the patients.
I take them for walks, read them the funnies...
...blow their noses, change the bedpans...
...wheel them into the TV room. Stuff like that.
How'd you get that shitty job? They bust you?
I'm a conscientious objector.
You're kidding.
An Italian conscientious objector?
That's right.
Hi, Ned. Nice day.
Ned's elevator doesn't go up to the top floor.
Combat stress. He's quiet today.
Normally, he's throwing shit against the walls.
Here he is.
I'll be back soon, and I'll take you to your bunk.
They have you in with me.
Take it easy.
Hey, Birdy.
Is this for real, or what?
If this is some act you cooked up to get out of Nam, it worked.
You can stop now.
Come on, Birdy.
It's me under all these bandages.
It's Al.
Maybe I'll get into something crazy myself.
Can't you see it?
" Neighbourhood Boy Turned a Lunatic by the Horrors of War."
All I'd have to do for a pension is growl...
...or go beat somebody up on Market Street.
So much for that.
God, this place gives me the creeps.
It's awful quiet for a loony bin.
You know, they keep saying I'll be fine.
I keep hearing them.
"Quit worrying how you look, Columbato."
But I saw a guy at Dix who they also said would be fine.
And he had a face like a medium-rare cheeseburger.
I'm scared I won't recognize who I'm shaving in the morning.
Jesus, Birdy, what happened to you?
That fat-gut shrink, he wants me to jog up your brain...
...by getting you to remember the things we did together.
Did we jack one another off? Stuff like that.
I don't trust that guy.
Everything's too interesting to him.
So what do you want to talk about?
Maybe we should talk about one of the 85 million times...
...we tried to find where your mother hid the goddamn baseballs.
Okay, you don't like that one.
Remember that statue of Billy Penn on top of City Hall?
How, from certain angles, it looked like he had a hard-on?
And how we used to stand there with the pigeons?
Every time some old lady would walk by, we'd point at Billy Penn.
They'd look up, and they'd see Billy with his dong sticking up.
Shit!
Do you need a hand?
What are you doing here?
I'm his friend. The doctor brought me.
Right!
Now I remember.
- What's your name? - Columbato, Al.
You know, I'm not in the Army.
You can tell me your name frontways if you want to.
I'm Hannah.
He eats that?
Looks horrible, doesn't it? It's all he'll let me feed him.
You have to feed him?
Can't he feed himself?
I don't know.
He doesn't.
He won't let the orderlies feed him.
For some reason, he lets me.
Shit, maybe I'll stop talking.
I like your friend.
But I wish he wouldn't do this.
Listen, I'm going to go.
You can stay if you want.
That's all right. I'll go bunk out for a while.
Okay, hang on. I'll unlock you.
Hi there. Let me take a look at your back.
Tell me where it hurts.
My buddy's broken his leg.
Maybe his back.
I hope not his back, because that can make you crazy.
He's a little crazy. He thinks he can fly.
He thinks he's a bird.
It's all here, the whole thing, how he fell off the gas tank.
There's a picture showing where he jumped and an "X" where he landed!
I don't want to hear any more! Not birds, not nothing!
You can start now...
...by cleaning the pigeon shit off the front porch.
Face it, we're out of the pigeon business.
- They ain't coming back. - They'll come back, they were homed.
What kind of home is it when your witch of a mom chops it up...
...and chases the birds away?
It's home to them.
It's not the lumber and nails. It's the place.
I got to tell you something.
But you have to promise not to go ape-shit on me.
What?
Do you promise?
You're right. Those birds kept coming back.
Your mom puts down poison and knocks off half of them.
But those blue bars get smart and still keep coming back.
So she calls Mr. Solari.
Mr. Solari, the poultry guy?
Yeah, the butcher.
That guy would dress his mother as a chicken...
...if he got 69 cents a pound.
He must've taken them. They ain't been back since.
No, you don't get it, Al.
Those blue bars saw Solari.
That's why they didn't come back.
You're wrong! Solari bagged them.
They're dead! Plucked and fucked!
You don't understand birds, Al.
I got an idea for something else we can go partners on.
You know that old Ford at the junkyard?
Yeah, okay.
It's a good thing those blue bars recognized Solari, huh?
Pigeons ain't stupid, Al!
Remember that statue of Billy Penn on top of City Hall?
How, from certain angles, it looked like he had a hard-on?
If I'm going to learn, I'll have to watch them closer.
Be there when they fly.
I want them to be as free as possible.
Nobody wants to be in a cage.
How are you doing back there?
- You okay? - Yeah, just great.
That is some piece of shit.
Does it go?
Not yet.
But it will.
- How'd it get here? - We pushed it.
- It's a piece of shit. - Thank you.
Don't use any of my tools.
No, sir.
You'll have to register that before you sell it.
How, Mr. Columbato?
You wait till you're old enough.
- Maybe I'll do it for you. - That'd be great, Dad.
Fucking garbageman!
Come on, sister!
All right.
Well, now!
Top down!
There she goes!
We're doing 80 on the expressway.
Look for 76 and the Walt Whitman. Watch out for cops.
We need quarters for the toll.
No, I'll drive straight through.
It's not my fault you left the gate down!
Yeah, you too, motherfucker!
Watch out!
That was a close one.
Tailspin.
We're just driving.
Where we going?
Where else? The ocean.
I've never been there.
You're kidding.
This is great! It's like flying in thick air!
Are we going to go see the boardwalk and pick up some chicks?
Okay, just one more time, all right? You ready?
On your mark.
Goddamn it!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi...
...three Mississippi, four Mississippi...
...five Mississippi...
Ten Mississippi, Birdy!
Thirteen Mississippi.
It's a 15 Mississippi, Birdy!
Sixteen Mississippi!
I don't know how to swim!
Now don't go do anything stupid, Birdy.
I know what's in that goddamned fool mind of yours.
Right down here, on this same street, they got this ride...
Expectant mothers, the young...
... go see the greatest attraction in the world today.
See Apasha, the Gorilla Girl.
See her change from a woman to an ape. A gorilla!
It's gross!
- Horrible! - Was he born like this?
No way, it's a gyp. His legs are stuck.
- It's a false bottom. - Isn't it amazing?
Introducing Zimmy, the human fish.
Folks, let's hear it for Zimmy.
- How does he do it? - Does what?
Hold his breath so long. I have to keep coming up for air.
We've been here four minutes. He hasn't come up for air.
Think he has a wife?
You okay?
I can hold my breath for two minutes, 40 seconds now.
Do you want to try?
You play sports?
Of course not.
Al and I throw the discus sometimes.
So you play on a team?
We just throw it to see how far it'll go.
Al used to be on a team.
He used to be a wrestling champ.
Are you guys finished yet?
I'm leaving!
I ain't hanging around with that creep no more!
Why do you always do this?
You stuck me with...
Shut up!
What are you going to do now?
Fuck it!
What?
You have got to learn...
...to be more sociable!
I don't think she liked me.
You got to make them like you.
Talk like you're interested in all that crap they go on about.
You just got to talk more.
I don't care about what, as long as it's not flying and birds!
What if that's what I'm really thinking about?
That's the first thing you got to understand in your dealings with women.
Never let them know what you're thinking.
I'm not thinking about them.
Then just lie, for God sakes!
You're the best goddamn liar I ever met.
Don't you know your chick had great jugs on her?
I don't understand. What's the big deal?
- They're just overgrown mammary glands. - Mammary glands?
Mammary glands?
We're talking tits here!
Big tits!
Round tits.
Fleshy tits.
- Just a lot of dumb development to me. - Full tits.
Women carry them around their whole lives.
- Flopping around, getting in the way. - They don't get in the way.
They're needed. They're necessary.
I seen a picture in National Geographic.
Just like on a cow, but in a more stupid place.
It's not like a cow at all.
I'm telling you for your own good.
You don't know what you're missing.
That girl, Shirley...
...I didn't even have to ask her.
She just lifted her shirt and put my hand under it.
And then she undoes her bra for me.
I start feeling the whole tit, nipple and all.
She's poking her tongue down my throat.
And then, I'm reaching down with my hand.
I'm working my way down. She's work...
- That your '53 Ford back there? - Sure, why?
Could you stop walking around? You make me nervous.
I cannot stand this much longer.
I hope your old man comes soon.
Well, I don't.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Ever wonder what our lives down here must seem like to a bird?
You two shut up!
Fucking fuck! I'm always fucked!
- Good luck. - Thanks.
Hi, Al. How are you?
I'm pretty good, Birdy, thanks.
You know, Al...
...l'm glad you came to see me.
We haven't seen each other in a while...
...and there's a lot of water under the bridge.
But it's good just to sit here and not talk with you.
Yeah, it's a real blast. But, you know...
Come on, Birdy!
Talk to me.
Okay, don't talk to me.
You think I don't know what you're doing...
...with this squatting and sideways staring stuff?
So you're finally a bird. Big deal!
If Weiss finds out, he'll put you in a display case...
...and write papers on you forever.
Damn cats are driving me crazy!
I'll get a BB gun and pop them off.
They'll give the birds a heart attack, scaring them all day.
Let's get this door closed so they don't get out here.
That's it.
You know my mother.
And that's Mr. Tate.
He's deaf. He doesn't hear anything.
He loves the birds singing, like Beethoven.
I said you're like Beethoven.
You like that one, huh?
She's a good-looker, all right.
But don't go for flyers when you're looking for a good breeder.
Come on, honey.
Come here.
Don't you want to eat?
She's a pretty one, but won't notice any of the daddies.
She's a heartbreaker. So particular!
Rhett and Ashley can't get near her.
It sure ain't like in the movie.
I don't let them mate more than one at a time.
No brothers and sisters.
It ain't right. Says so in the Bible.
Mr. Tate...
...lets them all in together, like a Roman orgy.
Ain't natural.
Here's Melanie.
Come here, Melanie.
The first day I saw Perta...
... I knew she was special.
The way she took to the air...
... like it was hers.
She likes you.
Don't get taken in 'cause she's a flyer.
Melanie here, she's a darling bird. Every bit as pretty.
No, I'll take this one.
You can't do anything about it.
He sold it before he ever told me about it.
At least we got what we paid for the car.
I'll give you my share. We can use it for your ornithopter.
I don't care about the money.
It's the principle of the thing.
The only principle is my old man does whatever he wants.
Do you want me to pin him? I wish I could, but I can't!
We're going to get it back.
Are you crazy? Suicidal? He doesn't even like you.
He'll break your neck.
I don't care.
It's our car.
You can't do this. You know what he's like.
I tell you, he'll kill you!
Jesus, sometimes you're so full of shit!
All right, but you're on your own.
I'm not going with you.
I don't want blood splattered all over me.
Shit!
- I want the car back. - What do you mean?
- You got your money! - You had no right to sell it!
It's worth more than the money!
It belongs to us. We didn't want to...!
That car was in my name. I'll sell it to whoever.
Would you get out of here? I'm trying to read my paper.
Tell me the man's name who thinks he bought it...!
Get out of here. I'll call the cops!
I was about to do that myself! I'd like to report a stolen car!
Are you calling me a crook in my own house?!
Are you crazy?!
Are you trying to say I stole that junk heap?!
Don't embarrass me in front of my family!
You sold something that wasn't yours!
Give me the man's name who thinks he bought it!
I'll tell him you made a mistake!
I sold the car to a friend of my brother-in-law!
This guy is not giving you the car back!
You mess around with him and you'll wind up in a concrete shirt...
...at the bottom of the river!
I don't want to go to the police...
...but I got a receipt of purchase from Mr. Russo...
...at the junkyard!
You think it's yours because you registered it for us.
It's legally ours because you don't got no proof-of-purchase!
Why do you want to be a hard-nose for?
I can't get you the car back...
...even if I wanted to! - So tell me his name!
Shut up, you skinny bucket of piss!
You're not worth going to jail for, for murder.
Here's what I'll do.
- Here's the money. - I don't want it.
- That's all I got... - It wasn't yours to sell!
Shut the fuck up!
He's going to take it.
Read your paper, honey. Please. He'll take the money.
You'll take the money.
I'll get you more from my brother if you want.
Don't make no trouble. Please!
Here. I don't want it.
Half of it's yours. You deserve it.
It was our car, Al.
I could never stand up to my old man like that.
Maybe life is shitty.
It is shitty.
I'll tell you something.
I'm not trying to pin life anymore.
I don't even fucking understand it.
I just want to make it through with some dignity, like everybody else.
Of course, if there was any real dignity, there wouldn't be any sex.
I'm going to go now, all right?
All right?
But I'll be back.
Renaldi!
Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!
You okay, Al?
You were moaning as if in pain. Is your face bothering you?
- You won't tell anyone about this? - No, of course not.
No, sir, not yet.
Yeah, he's here right now.
His file came in this morning.
Would you come over here, please?
Is your serial number 10107003 or 10107008?
It's 003. Why?
I want to get it right.
It's C-O-L-U-M-B-A-T-O, Sergeant Alfonso?
What is this? Am I being taken prisoner?
The major wants some more information on you.
What do you got, my file?
Everything about you.
There we go.
Is there any history of insanity in your family?
No.
Why are you asking me?
Suicides?
What?
Any suicides?
Not yet.
Finish that later. Bring me what you've got.
Come on in.
Excuse me, Major.
Is something wrong with your secretary?
Oh, you mean the spitting.
Ever since combat, he's had a bad taste in his mouth.
Don't worry. We're working on him. Have a seat.
Why was he asking me all those questions?
I'm not a patient here.
I like to know who I'm dealing with.
How do you think the Army's treated you?
Not bad. Okay, I guess.
It says you attacked a superior officer...
...just after you arrived in Saigon.
We were in a bar.
I just hit him.
You knocked out four teeth and broke his nose.
I hit him hard. He was dogging me.
- You think you might have overreacted? - Maybe.
Sir, we all make mistakes.
But it's important to learn from our mistakes. Don't you think?
Shouldn't we be talking about the patient here?
Whose idea was it to steal that car? Yours or his?
Steal a car?
I believe it was in Atlantic City.
Oh, that!
That was a misunderstanding.
My father had it registered in his name.
We were having a good time, you know.
Is that how your father saw it?
No, not exactly.
What did he do?
He took away my allowance.
Listen, you wise guy.
I've got better things to do than play games with you!
I should probably send you back.
You don't have to do that, sir.
Maybe you haven't noticed...
...what happens to men like your friend, without special attention.
What do you mean?
They stay here for the rest of their lives.
They rot. Sometimes they just die.
I'm sure I can get through to him. I just need some more time.
All right, sergeant.
This is not an indefinite stay for you.
You can go.
One more thing.
Did you or your friend resent your father...
...for that misunderstanding about the car?
No, sir.
We both really liked my father.
He was a heck of a guy.
Not so bad, right?
Oh, shit! I should be done with him by now.
Would you feed him while I go finish up?
- Sure. - Thanks.
Take this.
I'll be right back.
I saw that cockeyed look of yours.
That look always means something.
You think I was hitting on her, don't you?
You think maybe she likes me?
You really got to quit it with this crap.
I got to get out of here.
That shrink gives me the eye like I'm crazy.
It's not a great feeling.
Not that it ever seemed to bother you.
Come on, Birdy, eat it.
If you could see yourself squatting here...
...and me shovelling this crap down your throat...
...you'd probably laugh yourself to death.
What?
I won't have another talking-to-the-wall conversation.
Decide if you're listening or not.
We'll do it your way.
We'll sit here and commune like goddamn birds.